Monitored Alarm Systems

When the writer joined the social network three years ago, they used it to share random thoughts and life on TV. Since then she has become a Twitter addict too. In an excerpt from her new book she explains what she loves - and hates - it

1st My name is Grace @ dent.

2nd I was fourth on Twitter June 2008.

16.

That is a lie. It was a screen-grab of X-Factor boyband member Harry Styles looking like he had a massive erection.

21.

As I type this list I'm telling myself 90% of those 27,325 tweets were probably quick @replies to people and NOT actual posts in my timeline, because this makes it less of "a problem".

24th I use Twitter clients and apps like TweetDeck or Echofon. I suspect they give me migraines but I just take codeine and carry on, for how can I monitor the universe in real time without multiple columns?

25th Twitter definitely made me known. I do not 'm sure it gave me more much.

26th I once said in an ITV2 show that X-Factor participants Stacey Solomon "not a terribly good singer 'and had to leave Twitter for two weeks by an angry mob behind me twitchfork to cyberspace.

31.

34.

41. I love tweets featuring talking cats, snoring cats, cats jumping in boxes, cats jumping out of boxes etc.

I bloody love Twitter "pun" games. I'll play them until the bitter end, when my puns need brackets to explain and no one replies.

The first character of "3,000 Follower Syndrome" is not check in until later apologized on Twitter itself as usual, to believe that Twitter has felt so empty without you.

52nd The second sign is placed tweets in the timeline to answer the question you say "all" she asks. If you \ to verify that person's @ column, it is almost always out, no one talks to them.

53rd It gets worse after that.

I've left Twitter several times in a massive strop.

59.

64.

73.

I love the concept of "twitchfork mob".

77th If some poor tweeter twitchfork mob circles for crimes I often add \ rumor "I heard he bummed a puffin" just to cheer me up.

78th I love the concept of "twanking" (wanking while tweeting).

I think most people don't realise that posting a photo on DM means EVERYONE who looks at your photo account can still see it. It's not private. I've seen two photos of my friends I wish I hadn't.

86.

I have to 'd Like Leave Twitter delivered much earlier to the publisher and avoided a lot of stress and corresponds to cry, but in all honesty, I was busy dicking around on the Internet.

How Twitter by Grace Dent holiday is available for ? 5 (RRP € 7.99) with free p & p from the Guardian Bookshop. Call 0330 333 6846 or visit guardianbooks.co.uk. An ebook version is also available.